I’ll Sue Her! (News Flash Fiction) February 19, 2010
Posted by Princess Wordplay in Humor.Tags: flash fiction, funny, Harry Potter, Humor, marriage, news, plagiarism, Rowling
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Denis pulled out the box and swept away the years of dust. He expected it to be another lot of junk, but when he removed the lid, he discovered – at least in his eyes – treasure. There, among the other assorted trophies of his youth, was a neatly stapled four page composition marked with “A- GREAT JOB!”
He picked it up and rushed into the house, nearly tripping over the cat as he sprinted into the living room.
“Janet! Janet!” He cried, gasping for breath. “Janet, we’re going to be millionaires!”
Janet’s eyes took a brief intermission from her romance novel to watch her husband frantically wave some ancient loose-leaf paper around.
“That’s wonderful news, but will we be millionaires with a clean garage?” She asked dryly.
“Who cares? When this is over we can hire someone to clean the garage!”
“Fantastic news… So how are we going to go about making this fortune?”
“I’m going to sue J.K. Rowling!”
“For what, being British? I don’t think that’s a crime, at least, not since the Revolutionary War.”
“No, for stealing my idea! Look at this, I wrote it in 9th grade, years before Harry Potter came out.”
Janet reluctantly took the paper. At the top of the page in a sloppy, adolescent scrawl was the title: Sam, The Boy Magician.
“Sorry Denis, this doesn’t look anything like Harry Potter to me.”
“Isn’t it obvious? Look… Sam has a friend named Ron, just like Harry!”
Janet rolled her eyes from behind the pages.
“So? Our dry cleaner’s name is Ron. Should we sue him, too?”
“That depends – does he have a flying go-kart?”
“He might, I better look into it.”
Denis noted a hint of sarcasm in Janet’s voice. He began to suspect she wasn’t taking him seriously.
“You don’t believe me, do you?”
Janet sighed. She wished she had a magic wand – whether it was Sam’s or Harry’s didn’t much matter – so she could conjure up a normal husband.
“Denis, how on earth to you expect to prove that the world’s wealthiest living author stole her idea from a 15-year-old kid on another continent?”
“The evidence speaks for itself. A jury will have no choice but to award the maximum punitive damages. We have an airtight case here.”
Janet buried her face in the palm of her hand.
“For the last God damned time, Denis, watching courtroom dramas on TV does not make you a lawyer. Do you even have any idea what you just said?”
“We can hire a lawyer then.”
“Our checking account balance is 42 cents, Denis.”
“I’m sure we can set up a payment plan. We’re going to be millionaires.”
“That’s right, I almost forgot.”
Denis’s eyebrows raised in an enlightened moment.
“I got to look through some more boxes. I just remembered a story I wrote about a teen vampire. Funny how Twilight is about a teen vampire, isn’t it?”
“Did your story have a girl named Buffy in it?”
“Buffy? That’s a goofy name. Who would name a character Buffy? Why would you even ask that?”
“Never mind. The kids and I are going to Mom’s for a while, assuming I can peel their fingers off those Xbox controllers. Please, please try and get the garage clean. I heard this crazy rumor at work that if you clean it, there’s enough room to actually put cars in it.”
She handed him back his treasured story.
“Maybe Sam and his magic shop-vac can help you.”
“Magic shop-vac! That’s brilliant! Why didn’t I ever think of that?”
***
Three months later, Denis was seated on a luxurious leather sofa, thumbing a magazine as he anxiously awaited his appointment. He nearly pounced like a cheetah when the receptionist announced that he was ready to be seen. The well dressed, well spoken gray haired gentleman who occupied the office shook Denis’ hand firmly.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Yates. My name is Bartholomew Jacob Dexter esquire, a registered attorney with the Ohio State Bar Association. I understand you need my services?”
“Yes, Mr. Dexter, I do. You can help me?”
“I most certainly can. Don’t worry about a thing. I am committed to making sure you get your fair share in court.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“Now, let’s begin at the beginning, Denis… May I call you Denis?”
“Sure.”
“OK Denis, for starters, why don’t you tell me about the circumstances leading to your wife’s petition for divorce?”
“Well, it all started when J.K. Rowling stole my idea…”
