Princess's Playground

The Real Armageddon February 19, 2010

The Aztecs had settlements much further north than published history leads us to believe. Secret archeological digs done by the CIA uncovered a temple beneath the desert outside Roswell, New Mexico.

Knowing this discovery was special and understanding the importance of secrecy, the CIA ordered the construction of “Area 51″. In what may be the world’s greatest successful use of Sigfried and Roy style misdirection, they crash-landed a remote control experimental aircraft and used undercover agents posing as lunatics to spread a rumor about aliens.

The ploy worked so well, everyone in the last half century has been spending so much time trying to uncover the mystery of an alien crash landing that never happened they haven’t figured out the truth: The Aztecs were really the Atlantian and the temple outside Roswell is the secret entrance to the LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS.

The wealth of knowledge discovered in the Atlantian Great Library has been slowly used to further technology without appearing overly suspicious. Examples include Richard Nixon’s toupee, (admit it, you never noticed it was a rug) the microcomputer, minute rice, the Ford Festiva (hey, the Atlatians weren’t PERFECT), Beanie Babies, Post-its, Al Gore’s Internet, DVD, BlueRay, Electronic fish locators, and Stride gum.

While this is all fascinating, the Great Library revealed an even more remarkable discovery – a volume revealing the exact events that would lead to the end of the world on December 21st,2012. According to the ancient text, a new strain of superbacteria that has developed immunity to all antibiotics, extreme heat, and freezing will emerge, infecting the entire stock of McDonald’s McRib patties.

The initial outbreak will kill millions quickly yet painfully as the bacteria multiplies and builds a wall inside the trachea, asphyxiating it’s host. The death toll will reach over nine billion during the lunch rush. Panic will ensue, which of course works up an appetite, which of course everyone will want to satisfy with a delicious McRib. Hence, the horror of wave two.

t’s obvious that since the McRib is a product that is assumed to contain some theoretical amount of a product that may be or is at least associated with pork, the Jews will be misled. They will start to believe they are right and that this is the first coming of the messiah and their faith has saved them. The bacteria is also capable of spreading through the air, and with corpses piling up it’s estimated this false hope for the children of David will last about eight minutes.

The US Government, knowing this is coming, decided there is only one way to stop the coming of the apocalypse: KILL ALL PIGS. They set to work developing a strain of influenza that would render the pig extinct before the day of reckoning in 2012.

We all know money is tight nowadays, so to save money the government passed up several American research facilities for a cheaper one in Mexico. Obviously, quality standards weren’t what they should have been and now H1N1, meant to attack only pigs, is killing everything. Transcripts from a ultra-mega-top-super-secret meeting list the Surgeon General as saying “oopsie-daisy!”.